- Back When Judy Happened
(And I Didn’t)
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Judy added, “He had the most beautiful golden body! And the biggest penis!” She drawled out those last four syllables with an appreciation so lascivious she shuddered, then seemed to sink into a mucosal memory more pleasurable and more prolonged than would ever be considered appropriate for polite conversation.
- Jimmy The Tailor
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His grammar was flawless, his diction perfect, but what struck one most of all was his accent. In a voice that seemed loud because of this accent, even though it wasn’t, he spoke English with a British accent as thick as a plum pudding.
- The Sonya Chapter
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Indeed it was tiny. There was a miniscule lavatory, no shower, and a small bed. And the sound-proofing worked; you couldn't even hear the announcer outside. Sonya and I stayed in that little room over an hour, and when we emerged (after she had carefully put everything back in order), my life was somewhat changed.
- “FRANCIS, I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING DOWN INTO MY THOUGHTS.”
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I had only a few matches with me, and the kindling wouldn’t quite catch. Lynn, in an inspired moment, pulled down her jeans, then took her panties off and said, “These are cotton. They’ll do for kindling.”
- WHEN PARENTS LOVE WHAT IS CUTE:
A DISQUISITION IN LIEU OF A DISSERTATION
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Some mysteries are, admittedly, more profound than others. But all mysteries, whether shallow or profound, deserve, if not deep meditation, then at least some degree of idle fondling.
- ON BECOMING A TWIN: (WHEN TWINS FAIL TO TWINE, THEN DO TWINE, AND THRIVE) BIOGRAPHY AND AUTOBIOGRAPHY
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We talked by phone every day. She talked much about her job, obviously was relishing her independence, and at some point told me she now had a lover. Still acting the role of parent, my first question was, “Are you using birth control?”
“No. She’s a woman.”
Still acting the role of parent, I replied, “Oh.”
- WHAT DOES “MAD AS A PEACH ORCHARD BOAR” MEAN?
(A DIDACTIC DESCENT INTO THE PERILS OF PORCINE PERVERSIONS)
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by Francis Baumli, Ph.D. Many people have asked me a certain salient question and until this writing I have never been generous enough to answer it. I have very good reasons for my reticence. My first reason is that people obviously want a short answer, something that can be conveyed in half a minute […]
